In which U2 has a nontrascendental participation
by sailor asuka
Summary: I love Raoul, yet I think of him as a kind of stupid, didn't you?Did you wonder why any of the other characters told him how idiot he was? Do you want Athos to shout at him, and D'Artagnan laughing at him? Now it's your chance!


**DISCLAIMER: **

_Prima_. If you:

                        a)…plan to read the Three Musketeers trilogy…

b)…have read "The Three Musketeers" and plan to read "Twenty Years After" and "The Viscount of Bragelonne"…

c)…have read "Twenty Years After" –obviously, you did the same with 3M- and plan to read "The Viscount of Bragelonne"…

d)…are reading "The Viscount of Bragelonne" and want to wait till the final page to know what happened with D'Artagnan and all the gang…

e)…did not see "The Man in the Iron Mask"…

f)…are looking for U2 fanfics….

…then, in the first four cases, get away the soonest possible, unless you want to spoil your readings –I know what's that. I read "The Club Dumas" of Reverte, before even touching The Three Musketeers, and I suffered one of my biggest literary traumas- 'coz this little freak of tale speaks about the end of the end of the trilogy; in the fifth case, you'll lose your time if you don't know even who's Raoul –since you will understand nothing, and in the sixth…I just included U2 because I've listened to them too much the day I wrote this, thus Bono and the other guys won't do anything but provide the fanfic of a cool background music. 

_Secunda. I did not include bad words, just references, like "D----! F-----! S-----!" if you're a kind of moralist  or something like that, be democratic and don't read this. Everybody wins._

_Terceta. English is not my mother tongue. I am Mexican and learnt English in an English school, therefore, If make mistakes, bear them…I'm very good for creating chaos, but not for studying forms…well…you understand me. ¬_¬ _

_Cuarta_._ I own nothing, I'm mentally-ill, I'm MAD, BE AWARE_

**In which U2 has a non-transcendental participation.**

It was a beautiful day in the Louvre. All the courtiers, and the nobility and the  members of the Holy Church of France were together in a Big room, playing cards, or eating something, or gathering lovers, while U2 was playing a song about a Lady---and her hair.

Athos was having a chess game with Aramis; D'Artagnan and Porthos were looking at them. The  Super-Duper, Almighty,  not-so-handsome-but-Rich King Louis the XIV was tasting a dietetic salad; La Vallière, next to him, had prepared a Big Chocolate Cake which now she was decorating; Monsieur Philippe worshiped himself by staring at his image in the looking-glass whereas Guiche and the Knight of Lorraine were having a fight to decide with whom he would sleep that night; the not-so-important-almost-invisible Queen Marie-Thèrese had eaten son many pastries that she was nearly to vomit over Saint-Aignan whose Huge, One-Thousand-Ribbon, Pink petticoat breeches provoked Montalais' and Malicorne's hilarity. Manicamp was sleeping over the King's billiard-table.

Suddenly, the frontal door was opened by Raoul. He seemed to be in hysterics.

"Daddy!" he cried.

"Sh--! Haven't I told you one million times you MUST NOT call me in that way in front of the society?! Fool!"

"Sorry---Sir. But---I---I've got it! La Vallière cheats on me!"

The whole Assembly burned in laughter. Even Bono knew what he was speaking of. 

"By Jove, child! Of course she does. What a brainless guy you are!" claimed Athos. 

"Indeed my friend. We all thought you were planning a strategy, or waiting for the revenge, anything but you were so stupid" added the King after eating a tomato. Marie-Thèrese started laughing, mad, until Saint-Aignan knocked her out with the punch-bowl. 

"Had I known your idiocy was real, I would've helped you. But now is too late." complained D'Artagnan.

Montalais said to Porthos, at the other side of the room "I won, I won!"

"D---- it!" exclaimed he "Now due to you I owe Mademoiselle Montalais one hundred gold coins. Stupid boy!"

"Don't' be so hard, my friend. " interrupted Aramis, the Bishop "You did not pay attention to my pieces of advice. I was sure the poor lad was very dim-witted, but you were quite stubborn about the business."

Athos drank almost a bottle of wine by himself in thirteen seconds. Everybody gave him applauses. Then the gentleman added. "God, what have I done wrong for having this idiot as my son?" 

Raoul was confused. He gazed at U2, looking for answers, but the Irish fellows just played another song, the sweetest thing---

"I know, I know" answered the Queen Mother "It's because you were sleeping quietly in that Parish, and suddenly a woman appears in the middle of the night and begins to YOU-KNOW-WHAT, and instead of saying, as a gentleman 'My fair lady, in think you're in earnest but this is not the place to do SO' you shut up your mouth and enjoy the MOMENT  even without asking THAT person who  is she; thus you got that---freak" and with these wise words the Queen Anne of Austria took her Prozac pills, which gave her a big smile. 

This was more than our poor Vizcount could bear. Boldly, he ran to the King's table, and taking the Monarch's shrimp knife (O_o shrimp knife?) he cried "Goodbye, cruel world!!!!" while he plunged the instrument into his chest.

But it just made a "sliiptn" sound, and fell down to the floor with a funny resonance, not damaging at all the unsuccessful chap. 

"Sh---!" shouted Athos, leading his hands towards his head "do you hate me, do you? Gaaad, Gaaad!!!!!!! "

"I won again!" laughed Montalais "You owe me one hundred gold coins, Mr. Bishop!"

"Not quite so" argued Aramis "You bet he will endeavor to commit suicide, and he tried but he did not die, so nobody won"

And Montalais regretted she had not been more specific. 

"Saint-Aignan, you, as---!" the King was very upset due to this little incident "Your mission is always to keep our domestic knives in perfect state so as to use them in extreme cases, like this one! I'll lessen your income to three thousand pounds a month!"

And as boot-lickers' rights were not invented yet, Saint-Aignan had to sob himself. 

"This boy should not have worn his anti-bullets buffalo jerkin" concluded wisely and obviously Manicamp, who opened his eyes but for this mere purpose. 

"Why does everybody hate me?" asked Raoul, with tears in his eyes, which made him look more tender than ever, almost as a Hello Kitty (but without the dull part).

"Calm down, pretty, cute thing" answered sweet, softly La Vallière, offering him some chocolate cake " There is nothing of bad in you: you're handsome, good-tempered, respectful, obedient, docile, brave, silent, discreet, elegant, good-shaped---"

"I bet she'll take out her dictionary in order to find out more adjectives" whispered Montalais to Malicorne. Louisa continued:

"---yet you lack of a little of street-smartness. Your have no evil in you; that's your problem. I mean, even ME think evil sometimes--"

"Yep, sometimes!" confirmed Fouquet from his pretty jail. 

"But why do I have no evil in me? Maaaaaaa!"

"Because, because—" Louisa tried to explain "---well, you're a kind of not- desired, unexpected, surprising child—"

"A bastard, dear, a bastard" added happily the Queen Mother.

"Daaaad!!!!!"

"Aye, that is true" said D'Artagnan, looking at the Knight of Lorraine, Monsieur Philippe and Guiche, who were quitting the room discretely. They were going to make a "trio" somewhere… "Isn't it, my respectable Duchess of Chevreuse, by stripper name Marie Michon?"

The Duchess answered in a very bad manner "Yes! Now I have opportunity, I want to say to you, loser, -I'm speaking to you, Count of La Fère (since Athos pretended he had lost suddenly his ears)- that it's all your fault!!!!! You 

brought up him as a peasant, among the hills, geese, dogs and farmers!!!!! We're fortunate he's not a _gay _like other _ones_. " She was speaking about a so-called Philippe; the King whistled distracted. 

"Now I am very sure it is my time!! I won Manicamp, I won!!!" cried Montalais in a rapture of happiness. Her friend opened his eyes again, languidly. "Mmmh, my beloved lady, that is true. I'll tell Papa, and he'll give you the money. The viscount is of a such despairing nature…" yet he did not finish his sentence, as he felt sleep again on his billiard-table. 

Our miserable viscount could not stand their offences. Taking his gun from his pocket –since it was a very modern pistol, a James Bond's gift- he placed it at his temple  and….

Bono felt pity for him "I thought Tony Blair, Bush, Aznar, Saddam were the most stupid guys over Earth, but now I have a winner". Of course our well-intentioned Irish fellow did not take in account that silly Raoul was a literary character; nevertheless, U2 was playing for Louis the XIV of France in the Louvre, so, everybody –we included- had better shut up, drink beer and hope this hallucinations do not last after stop reading this mentally-ill tale. I'd said. 

…and then, nothing happened. Again. The gun had no bullets. Bragelonne was disconcerted; he seemed to be disagreeably  surprised, not being able to believe it; he was almost…..angry. 

The Assembly laughed at him. The stupid, tender hero looked at them –a dreadful sight indeed, which made the others tremble in their seats- the Big Room in silence:

"YOU, BUNCH OF F…..F…..F…..FOOOLS!!!!!!!"  he cried. 

"Halleluiah, hahaha, perfect!!!!" celebrated Montalais, standing up "I'm very sorry, Monsieur the Count of La Fère, Monsieur the King, Monsieur D'Artagnan, Madame Marie Michon, and you, My idiot, but beloved Lord, Monsieur Malicorne, but now you must pay me five hundred gold coins  per head!!!!!!!!!! He could not say a bad word, hahaha!!!!!!!" and pointed the stupefied, thunderstruck, dull viscount "He couldn't, he couldn't, he couldn't!!!!"  she danced over the table, inventing the Striptease.

"$%%&/($%"##$%*)[¨[**¨%%&&/&%/&//("#!#"&(/=/#"$%#""!%$%&/([¨*]*)P[¨¨[[P/$%$$$$%"#$/]&"$#&%[*]*¨*]*]P"#"""#$%&]$"&/_]**[¨*]%&%$$&/)$T%$%&/)((/(/(!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" groaned the one who one time we thought perfectly educated, gentleman-like, Athos, the drunk.  The King, Malicorne, and the Duchess of Chevreuse reacted in the same way. Poor La Vallière was in an ecstasies of  pain: "My pooor, hypocritical ears!!!!!!!!!". 

D'Artagnan approached to Raoul. "I think…well…..boy…why don't you go to war and die there?" he suggested in a calm, sympathetic voice "You'll make a lot of good to the whole world, as you'll stop consuming the Oxygen others need….yes, my boy?"

"OK. " answered sadly, depressed, Bragelonne. Nobody saw him leaving the Big Room, pathetically. Walking alone trough the Louvre, he went to the gardens by the way to the Big Gate –not Billy Gates, I say- reflecting about his idle life, about the people he will leave behind and….

"Come on, idiot, it's not your turn!!!!!" claimed a well-know voice. It was Guiche, who, inside the bushes, was doing bad things –things I won't tell you, as children are reading this- with Monsieur and the Knight of Lorraine. The three stared angrily at the nosey, ashamed spectator "What, do you want a part?" asked Philippe, vexed "Then you must wait!!!" 

"No, Excellency…" replied stupidly the other "I was just passing by here…"

"THUS, GO AWAY, BEGGAR!!!!!!! " added the Knight of Lorraine "AND BY THE WAY, TELL THE GARDINER NOT TO WATER THE PLANTS, IT'S SO BOTERING WHEN YOU'RE SO HOT!!!!!"

"Well". 

And Raoul told the gardiner not to water the plants, and went to the war, and died in the very dim manner all of us know. 

**THE END.**


End file.
